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Unfortunate Sons

The Wizards may be bereft of magic, but they can still play.

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WED 3/9
Kansas City Wizards, you are too good for us. The upcoming CONCACAF Champions Cup pits you against teams from Latin America and the Caribbean -- teams whose fans love them more than their own madres. But most of Kansas City will not be with you. Some have even said that you merely sully the turf upon which the Chiefs gloriously fail. In redress, we will call 816-931-3330 and buy the $10 tickets to your match against Deportivo Saprissa at 7 p.m. Wednesday at Arrowhead Stadium (1 Arrowhead Drive), and we will sit in the Cauldron and beg your forgiveness. -- Jason Harper

Dauntless Dozen
Lady ballers make us holler.

3/8- 3/9
Some college basketball scores that crawl past on sports networks' tickers seem shocking (Baylor 87, Oklahoma State 51) -- until viewers spot the "W" prefix denoting women's games. Likewise, results that would elicit yawns in men's matchups (Kansas 76, Colorado 54) could stun girls'-hoops preseason prognosticators. Baylor, Texas Tech, Texas and Kansas State represent the class of the conference, and these squads will earn March Madness bids regardless of how they fare in this week's Big 12 tournament. Given that the top-ranked teams have nothing to prove, a second-tier squad such as the Jayhawks could upset a favorite during the frenzied opening-round action, which includes games at noon, 2:30, 6 and 8:30 p.m. Tuesday and Wednesday at Municipal Auditorium (301 West 13th Street). For tickets, call 816-513-5000. -- Andrew Miller

High Horse
The British royal family isn't this smart.

3/5-3/6
Toward the end of World War II, General George Patton took time out from killing Nazis to save 150 magical horses from extinction on the Russian front. Bred 400 years ago as sweet rides for nobility and fierce companions in warfare, the Lipizzaner stallion remains a scarily intelligent horse, capable of complex choreography and astounding leaps. Saturday and Sunday, the World Famous Lipizzaner Stallions, beneath riders dressed in old-time military garb, put these skills to work at the American Royal Hale Arena (1800 Genessee). The usual routines of dressage -- in which the rider commands the horse with barely perceptible signals -- and musically synchronized maneuvers are trumped by Airs Above the Ground, a crazy series of jumps and poses originally employed on the battlefield.

Shows are at 2 and 7:30 p.m. Tickets are $23.50 and $25.50; call 816-221-8900. -- Christopher Sebela

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