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How to tell if your wife’s really pregnant.


In Kansas, where we don't feel comfortable discussing certain things with our children and certainly don't want them absorbing those things in the public schools, it makes sense that a grown man might not be completely familiar with what a female human being goes through during her pregnancy.

This meat patty can understand that a man might not notice that his skinny wife, for example, gains not an ounce during months of gestation.

This tenderloin can understand how Kevin Montgomery, a citizen of Melvern, Kansas, had no freakin' idea that something was terribly wrong about his wife Lisa's "pregnancy," while the whole time she was not really expecting but rather plotting how to pay an allegedly murderous, baby-takin' visit to Bobbie Jo Stinnett.

After all, there's a lot on the mind of the average rural Kansas man.

Winterizing his car. Wondering why the Chiefs sucked this year. Playing the Lotto.

With that kind of busy mental schedule, who's got time to consider all of the changes a woman goes through as she ripens like a big, fleshy fruit?

Morning sickness? Hell, who can keep track of all of a woman's complaints?

Sudden fits of appetite?

Movement in the belly region?

Frequent pee breaks?

The rural Kansas man can be forgiven for not knowing much about that type of stuff. But here's a clue about how to tell that your wife might not really be pregnant. Your wife might not really be pregnant when she calls to tell you that she's been out shopping but suddenly went into labor and delivered a baby at a local birthing center, and then asks you to bring your two kids (from a previous marriage) and come down to meet the family's new bundle of joy ...

In the parking lot of a Topeka Long John Silver's.

This charbroiled chuck steak can understand that Kevin might have been a bit clueless about his wife's condition, even after fathering a couple of other kids. But even the most distracted Kansan would know that such an occasion calls for a meeting in the parking lot of a Red Lobster, at the very least.

The Strip called the Montgomerys last week and, after hearing Lisa's cheery recorded greeting, left a message. But Kevin never called back. Considering the national media circus that has descended on his town of about 440 souls, we guess we don't blame him.

But we were hoping to ask Kevin, now that he knows the awful truth, how Lisa managed to convince him that he'd felt their imaginary child kicking -- something that the family's pastor, Mike Wheatly of the Melvern Church of God, told reporters he'd heard Kevin claim. Wheatly didn't return this flank steak's call, either. No offense taken, man of God.

Perhaps we'll never know. Kevin's been pretty tight-lipped ever since his wife allegedly wrapped something around Bobbie Jo Stinnett's neck from behind, strangled her and then performed a quick Caesarean before heading to the happy scene at the seafood restaurant. Kevin's most-repeated quote, passed around by news organizations far and wide, is that he hopes the Stinnett family experiences as much love and support as he's getting from the folks in his church.

Now that's just heartwarming.

Unfortunately, people from outside our area don't seem to appreciate our down-home, friendly ways.

In fact, in the midst of all the media hubbub, this cutlet got a rare call from an old friend who lives in one of them go-go, welcome-to-the-21st-century parts of the country.

"Hey, meat patty," our friend said. "Why did I know the woman who did that would turn out to be white? Why is it always the white folks who do the wackiest shit?"

Well, this red-blooded rump roast thought about that for a minute and realized our friend had a point. It does seem, at first blush, like black and brown folk kill each other in more straightforward ways and for more straightforward reasons. Disputes over drug money. Arguments over gambling debts. Fits of jealousy. Covetous feelings over flashy, spinning tire rims.

Isn't it always some crazy white guy, our friend asked, who wipes out a whole family with a rusty knife because God commanded him to do it? Or blows up a government building because he's fighting the New World Order? Or shoots couples in their cars because a dog talked him into it?

But see, again, this is the wrong kind of assumption that people like our friend make about our part of the country. The Strip realized that it had a duty to inform our friend and other similarly misled Americans that, actually, Kansas City minorities are doing their utmost to keep up. Marc Sappington, a black serial killer, did his best in recent years to make up the freaky-killer diversity gap. Terry Blair is accused of having followed suit, though Sappington went the extra mile by allegedly eating parts of his victims.

And Lisa Montgomery herself is accused of being part of a rainbow coalition of killer amateur obstetricians. Her sisters of color Rosa Botello (1992, Brownsville, Texas), Jacqueline Williams (1995, Chicago), and Josephina Saldana (1998, Fresno, California) also cut babies out of their mothers and claimed them as their own.

So, you see, our friend is full of crap.

It doesn't take a white person to commit such an act.

But it pretty much does take a dumb white cracker not to notice his wife ain't gettin' no bigger, we figure.

Tony Ortega talks about this week's Pitch with KRBZ 96.5's Lazlo after 4 p.m. Wednesday.

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