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Ring a Ding!

We drag the river for stuff you didn't know you were missing.

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Hip-hop MC Priceless Diamonds describes herself as a "boss bitch" who grew up boosting clothes and turning the occasional trick. She swears that she's leading a straighter life now, but we figure she's still learned lots of good life lessons. So listen up, y'all.

Would Snoop really play golf with Lee Iacoca like they did in those commercials?

Yes. A lot of people I know in the music industry, they play golf a lot. It's a sign of success. It has that Ivy League feel to it. You don't ever hear about anybody golfing in the 'hood — it's always after they've made it.

Snoop put out a new line of shoes, and they were horrible. I told my boyfriend — we were lying in bed thumbing through the Source — I said I wouldn't have accepted that. I need another design or something, you feel me? Snoop lost brownie points with me. I like Snoop as a person, but then I read his wife's article in Sister to Sister magazine. She was his high school sweetheart, right? Do you know she's never been on a vacation? But you know he's probably gone on plenty of vacations. She got his three kids. You mean to tell me you can't give this girl a few G's with your babies and send 'em on? He was leaving his wife, but the pimps got in his ear and said it's cheaper to keep her. So he got back with her. That hurt me as a woman. Knowing your man is out cheating and he can't even send you on a vacation? You takin' them to school every day, you cookin', cleanin', makin' sure they at practice and all that — that's a full-time job. They're back together, but I bet he'll be sending her on vacation now.

Got a question only Priceless can answer? E-mail her at bossbitch@pitch.com.

Ring a Ding!
Like many publications around the country, the Pitch not too long ago received a big black-and-pink box from the Church and Dwight company, maker of Trojan condoms. The package announced a new line of products marketed directly to women, to be sold in the tampon aisle. It's called Elexa and features specially designed condoms, freshening cloths and "intimacy gel." The most curious item in the box was the "Vibrating Ring," which materials sent with the box described as "a soft silicone ring safely powered by an ultra light battery. Designed to enhance the pleasure of both partners. May be used with or without a condom."

Sounded great to us, except for the disclaimer: "The Vibrating Ring is not available in Alabama, Colorado, Georgia, Kansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Texas and Virginia."

It seemed unfair that the women of Kansas City, Missouri, could buy a sex toy at the supermarket while our Sunflower State sisters missed out. We wanted an explanation. But whereas the New York advertising reps for Elexa were happy to tell us about how the ultralight battery lasts for 20 minutes, they didn't want to get into any messy legal jargon.

So we rang up Kansas Attorney General Phill Kline's office. His spokesman, Whitney Watson, sounded annoyed. "It's hard to get motivated to help when your publication keeps calling my boss an asshole," he said before grudgingly directing us to the Department of Health and Human Services.

Two giggly ladies over there said they had no idea what office regulates condom sales — but when we found out why the Vibrating Ring was banned in Kansas, could we please let them know?

Connie Flossinger, the vice president of clinical services at the regional offices of Planned Parenthood, was equally stumped. She suggested we call a pharmacist. We did one better and called the corporate offices of Walgreens, in Illinois, where a PR person named Tiffani Bruce told us that even though Walgreens sells items in the Elexa line, the store doesn't carry the Vibrating Ring anywhere for fear that one might wander into dangerous territory. "The reason is those eight states," Bruce said. "With our distribution system, we certainly don't want to risk it ending up in a place it's not supposed to be ... some of these states still have very conservative statutes." Well, yes, that would describe Kansas.

At the Kansas Department of Commerce, the helpful Caleb Asher put a whole team of research folks on the question, to no avail. It was driving us all mad. Asher thought it was odd that the Trojan company wouldn't just give us the information. "They're the ones who would have the reason why they were hearing that the state of Kansas wouldn't sell that particular product," he said.

Kindly peeps at the University of Kansas' law library finally helped us rustle up a rule that may explain the ban. Statute 21-4301, which originated in — get this — 1969, prohibits "promoting obscenity" as a crime against "public morals." We think the ring might fall under the category of "obscene device," meaning "a device, including a dildo or artificial vagina, designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs, except such devices disseminated or promoted for the purpose of medical or psychological therapy."

We didn't see any language on the Vibrating Ring's package attesting to its therapeutic value, so we imagine that's why it's been cast out of Kansas. Sadly, we can't imagine Kansas amending its obscenity statutes anytime soon, even for a little device that's so intelligently designed.

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