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First Family Church's Jerry Johnston has his orders for Kansas City.

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First Family's glossy, four-color pamphlets are already hyping a national women's conference that the church is hosting in May, called "Desperate Housewives ... Desperate for God!"

"Over 12 million American women tune in every Sunday to ABC's hottest new show, Desperate Housewives," Christie Johnston writes. But women who attend this conference will hear about "women in the Bible, who impacted their surroundings during desperate times ... as we discover what ignited a passion in those desperate for a new touch from God!"

If it weren't for Hollywood, Johnston might have a hard time livening up his material.

Clearly, though, the biggest tactic for securing values voters is by scaring 'em.

The biggest thing to be afraid of? Preachers who aren't Jerry Johnston.

"You know there are so many in our world today that have no idea who Deceiver is," Johnston says. "I mean, there are legions of people in churches this morning where nobody's even warned them about Deceiver! They act like he doesn't even exist!"

But the preachers at these churches aren't just harming their congregations by not telling them about Deceiver. These preachers are Deceiver! "Lying spirits speak through false teachers, and we become deceived when we join churches which do not teach God's word."

A couple of Johnston sermons reveal other things to be afraid of.

Living anywhere but the U.S.A. "The enemy, Deceiver, deceives entire nations.... You know it's against the law in Saudi Arabia to do what we're doing right now? It's against the law in China to do what we're doing right now. It's against the law in Pakistan to do what we're doing right now. Entire nations have been enslaved in unbelief in God."

Reading newspapers. After a November 13 Kansas City Star story quoting Johnston and other conservative and progressive religious leaders talking about the election results, Johnston told his congregation, "I knew that she [Star religion reporter Helen Gray] would write an article quoting this side and that side and every side. You know what, folks? It doesn't really matter what I think or anybody else thinks, but it makes a world of a difference what God says, right?"

Sending your kids to college. "You know how many university campuses Deceiver has been to, luring kids to do all sorts of crazy things?"

Driving. Having reminded his congregation to memorize Bible verses by writing them on 3-by-5 cards and carrying them in pockets and visors, Johnston notes, "You try it when you're in a car -- boy, I tell you, the enemy doesn't like you to memorize Scripture. You'll be amazed how fast those red lights will turn green when you start using that time to memorize Scripture."

Arguing with your spouse. "Now, ladies, I want to tell you. Be the kind of wife that keeps your husband on the straight and narrow. Don't be the kind of wife that's always trying to pull your husband back from obeying God and serving God and loving God.... And gentlemen, I want to tell you. Be the kind of man who helps your wife not question what God has said, but lovingly encourage her to accept what God has said.... We become deceived whenever we question or we ignore what God has said."

Listening to what anyone else says about First Family Church. "You know the people who talk about First Family? And tell their little juicy stories in town? They're jealous Christians. That's so sad. I would hate to be so small in my thinking that if somebody's doing a work for Christ, that I'd want to talk about them.... Even if people talk about Pastor Jerry and about this and that, and our TV ministry, tune all that out."

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