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Hook-Up Hotels

Don't shack up tonight without taking along this list of places to get busy.

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Whether you're a teenager looking for a parentless place to learn the ways of love or a guy looking to play catch-and-release with a hooker, who doesn't occasionally need a seedy motel room? The Pitch has navigated the pirate-ship-shaped beds and a sea of dirty sheets to help you find the room that's right for you, if only for an hour.

1. Relax Inn

6300 Blue Parkway, 816-923-5606

This little villa boasts what may be the cheapest ho-tub rooms in town, at only $80 a night. The big-enough-for-two tubs sit just steps from the bed and feature all the water-jet action you need. There's even a full shower nearby to clean your dirty, dirty body. The fairly standard rooms are clean and come with mini fridges, good beds and the best-lighted bathrooms we saw. There are even two televisions, one in the bedroom and one hanging from the bathroom ceiling. The turndown service sprays a hint of jasmine to keep the air fresh even in the smoking rooms. Sure, you can get a sans-tub room for less money, but will your hottie come back for more?

2. Admiral-Paseo Motel

1409 Admiral Boulevard, 816-842-7220

The horny and the frugal might be drawn to the towering sign in the Admiral's parking lot advertising $29 rooms. But don't be fooled — you're not getting booked for less than $50. That money will get you a comfortable, queen-sized bed resting on two twin-sized box springs. Visitors might want to watch out for dips in the floor, and don't expect spotless bathrooms or walls. If you don't mind an odor recalling stale cigarettes and a kid's penny collection, you and your lover each get a nightstand, a color television, a small refrigerator and a microwave for in-between-sessions snacks.

3. Chateau Avalon

701 Village West Parkway, Kansas City, Kansas, 913-596-6000

This isn't the place if you're just looking for a toss with some sexy you met an hour ago. The Chateau's theme rooms run from $129 to $499 and are designed to convince you that you're not fucking in Kansas. There's the Presidential Bedroom, the Roman Dynasty and the Mayan Rainforest. A few two-story suites include the Castaway Isle and the New York Penthouse. Extra romance comes from rose petals on the bed, massages and chocolate-covered strawberries. Disappointing: NASCAR-themed cola machines in the hallways break the spell, and the Lincoln Bedroom's Honest Abe bust stares at the bed. The daily tours feature a video that includes Steve Beaumont — identified as the Chateau's "owner, dreamer" — who talks about how the hotel fuses the "concepts of romance" and the "business of memories."

4. The White Haven Motor Lodge

8039 Metcalf, Overland Park, 913-901-8100

If you do accidentally conceive a child, this is the place to do it. The White Haven feels like you're visiting grandma's house, and you get the sense that the owners would be happy for you to bring the product of your tryst over during the holidays. Chances are, you'll be greeted by a friendly dog in the office, which is furnished with long leather couches and a fireplace. The $57 rooms feature upholstered armchairs, practically no odors, and some of the more artistically successful oil paintings we've seen of waves crashing on a beach. The White Haven is also the only under-$100 hotel we saw that had a pool. One caveat: It might be tough to squeeze two people into the narrow showers. But the glass doors at least let you watch the scrubdown.

5. Royal Inn

600 Paseo Boulevard, 816-471-5544

Unlike most other motels, which let us in without question, Royal Inn staffers turned the Pitch away twice before finally showing us a room. It may be that these people value their clientele's privacy, or it may have had more to do with a suspicious-looking package wrapped in aluminum foil in the open safe on the lobby floor. Management came in before we had a chance to inspect it. The $50-a-night room itself was standard hotel fare, with a bed and a television and all that, except for some chunks missing from the bedroom wall. It's so dull, in fact, that you might be lulled into a false sense of security when you're taking off your pants.

6. Hillside Motel

6305 Blue Parkway,

816-923-2552

Should you find yourself at this pink-and-green rotting-wood motel, sit in your car for a moment, take your lover's hand, and ask, "Do you really want to do this?" The prepubescent-looking girl working the desk broke our hearts when she asked us how many hours we needed. For $15 an hour, you get what you pay for. A misleading sign out front advertises waterbeds; because of god-knows-what activity, standard mattresses have replaced the flotation setup. The room we saw was dark — probably a blessing that made stains less distinguishable. A fluorescent light fixed above the headboard set the mood. Mirrors ran along the headboard and the length of the bed. Yes, the room had the normal amenities, including a television and a dresser. But coupling here would be like screwing in a cave you found in the woods, all the time wondering if that gray mass on the wall is a spider's egg sac. On the other hand, it's probably one of the cheapest adrenaline rushes in town. Be warned, though, that there are some perversions even this motel won't allow: Management rules limit room occupancy to only two people.

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