Music » Night Ranger

Ho Down

Things look different when you’re a lot lizard on a pub crawl.

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In our humble estimation, Halloween = Best. Holiday. Ever. Says our friend Tracey, "What's not to like? You get to wear costumes. You get to eat candy. And you get to drink beer." Naturally, we jumped on the chance to get into Halloween mode early when we dressed in costume with the cast of Late Night Theatre for their pub crawl promoting Mother Trucker, which was written and directed by our friend and occasional Research Assistant David Wayne Reed.

So on a Friday night in September, the Night Ranger found herself backstage at the theater, swigging from a can of PBR and doing a shot of Crown as the cast dressed her as a lot lizard (i.e., a truck stop ho). Clad in a black-and-green-striped tube top (with her pink bra straps showing), denim hot pants (complete with a sequined American flag patch on the ass), pink pumps, denim shirt and a light-brown Mrs. Roper wig, the NR felt very Amy Sedaris-like. "It's always good to go out dressed like trash," commented Ron Megee (aka "Deke").

The plan was to hit several bars, where the cast would perform a bar-fight-slash-dance-sequence to Ted Nugent's "Free for All" and Jerry Reed's "Eastbound and Down." After visiting Belle Starr's Time Out and Tootsie's, we made it to Sidekicks Saloon, the country-western bar on Main. It's a cool place -- a big dance floor occupies the back, the hot bartenders working the rear bar were bare-chested, a deer head kept a watchful eye over the place, and we especially liked the drawings of naked cowboys emerging from ponds under the lusty gaze of other wranglers.

We turned our own gaze to what looked to be a friendly group in the back. Liz, 25, and Jared, 24, were gregarious and didn't bat an eyelash at the NR's wacky ensemble.

"We ended up here because there's nothing better to do." Liz told us.

"Well, here you can line dance," Jared said. "Then, there's the DB -- aka the Dirty Butt -- and Buddies, where you go to get an STD."

"How do you know each other?" we asked.

"We used to work together at the most evil place on earth," Liz answered. "Evil, evil!"

"Where's that?" we queried.

"Lockline," Liz replied, referring to the insurance company with which Sprint and other companies contract to replace damaged or lost cell phones. "Put Cockline down, because everyone who works there knows it as Cockline. Cockline LLC."

"Why was it evil?" we asked. Just then, the cast started their dance, so we never got an answer.

"My friend and her boyfriend had sex in the elevator there!" Liz said, continuing the Cockline thread after Late Night had done its thing.

"Um, how tall is this building? Did they stop the elevator?" we wondered.

"Yes. It's just two floors," Jared answered.

"It's a big elevator," Liz explained.

"If you go in, there are a couple of handprints on the walls!" Jared added, then simulated the bent-over, hands-on-wall, pelvic thrust move, complete with orgasmic noises. The move nearly rivaled LNT's floor show in sheer entertainment value.

They explained that they worked together in call services, but then Liz left recently to become the executive assistant to a sales director.

"She moved up a tax bracket!" Jared said gleefully.

"God, I'd love to jump a tax bracket," the NR said.

"I'd love to jump anything in this place, but we're at Sidekicks," Jared parried. He then introduced us to the rest of his friends; with the exception of Liz (who is straight), they all live at the Boston apartment building near 38th Street and Main. "It's the place to be if you're gay," Jared said. Andy and Jon were the managers, and Jody, according to Jared, was the first lesbian in the complex. "The first time we've met the pussy quotient in four years," he said.

"We need more slutty lesbians," Jody quipped.

"Hey, ask him about his trip," Jared said, pointing to his friend Bill. "He just got back from Padre. He was at a resort where everyone left their patio doors open. It was Fill Bill, Volume 1."

"And I'm the star," Bill ("I'm 29 going on 55") said. "I went to Havana -- which was an OK city -- and stopped [at Padre] on the way back because I needed dessert!"

"So, how was it?" we asked.

"It was like McDonald's -- over 1 billion served," Jared injected.

"Just Quarter Pounders," Bill said. Mmm ... Quarter Pounders.

Mother Trucker runs until October 30, which works out well for us. We can reclaim our lot-lizard costume just in time for Halloween. Just don't ask us if we can drive stick, though, or we'll crush our can of PBR on your head.

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