Merry War on Christmas! This conflict has been dragging on for years, which is not entirely a bad thing, as it has produced a thriving War on Christmas industry, which our economy desperately needs.
The opportunities for outrage this year are slim, but where there's a
rightblogger, there's a way, whether via imaginary banning of the colors
red and green or via Planned Parenthood gift certificates. Cover the
children's ears and continue!
Canonsburg, Pennsylvania recently decided to move its traditional creche from civic to private property
because someone complained. The creche was relocated four doors away.
This seems only a small inconvenience; "Pa. residents to celebrate
despite creche removal," reported the Lebanon Daily News.
Well, Pa. residents may be celebrating, but South Capitol Street was not. "Can't have the little liberal darling being offended," they said. "Have to ruin it for everyone else..." Radio host Dennis Miller
got in on it after a caller told him the creche had been "taken down":
"We can have one loser whining about the Magi visiting the kid... I say
you hold a candlelight vigil outside that one person who's whined's
house... make his life look as silly as he's made this one. All you
reacted in Christian fashion: "Sorry about that whole
not-getting-asked-to-the-prom-in-high-school thing. But it seems as
though you're channeling your bitterness well." A commenter helpfully
published Hartley's address and linked back to Free Republic,
where posters offered their assessments of "little miss nuts" ("Getting
bad vibes just reading about this freak and they got way worse upon
seeing her evil face." "I bet this one is a cutter... I am wondering if
she has an eating disorder too," etc). Jesus would be proud!
But they don't even need an actual outrage to be outraged.
Last month there was a rumor -- or, as Fox Nation
'Tis the season!
would have it, news -- that Heathrow Elementary School in Florida has
banned the Christmas colors red and green from its classrooms.
County officials shot that story down, but who cares? Fox updated, but as we wrote this, Gateway Pundit ("Florida School Bans Christmas... And Christmas Colors") hadn't. Neither had Blue Collar Philosophy
("since Liberalism is a religion and those who believe in it cannot
update: "After receiving a predictable backlash from angry parents, the
Seminole County Public Schools district has issued the following
correction... This may have been a case of the school and district
doing an abrupt about-face or it may have been an individual teacher
taking her authority a bit too far." Or it may have been bullshit, a
possibility Full Metal Patriot did not consider.
For wider distribution, there was outrage at a show at Washington's
National Portrait Gallery with lots of gay art, including a David
Wojnarowicz video that included an image of ants crawling on Jesus. It
sputtered about "the kind of pictures that used to be on French
postcards," though regrettably he did not link to any antique postcards
of ants on Jesus. "... if there are no common standards of decency,
there is no moral community, and where there is no moral community,
there is no country." Others wondered why the smarty-pants Wojnarowicz
(who died in 1992) didn't make fun of Mohammed instead, which would be a
better way to celebrate the birth of Our Lord.
This sort of thing got some folks in a bitter mood: Jimmy Z
posted a song on YouTube called "Santa is a Republican" ("His suit and
hat are Red/He listens to Rush Limbaugh in his sled"). The lyrics
promise that Democrats won't get any presents this year because they
made Santa "drink green tea and eat granola bread" and Obama taxed him,
despite lack of jurisdiction. Santa in this reading runs "a small
business," and is an avid follower of U.S. politics who has Tim Kaine on
his dartboard. He also "loves to feast on game he kills hunting with
"I don't give a rat's butt if you are not a Christian and don't celebrate or support Christmas," said radio host Steve Bussey.
"The fact is that the overwhelming majority of Americans are and do."
His headline: "It's CHRISTmas -- now sit down & shut the hell up!"
Even when their enemies engaged in Christmas traditions, rightbloggers weren't happy. Tom Quiner
asked, "Is an abortion a proper Christmas present?" He was talking
about gift certificates offered by Planned Parenthood of Indiana. The
organization actually mentions breast exams and Pap tests,
not abortions, but "you CAN use them for abortions," Quiner explained.
"Now Planned Parenthood proudly desecrates Christmas by promoting their
services as a Christmas present."
Actually Planned Parenthood outlets have been selling gift certificates
for years ("Planned Parenthood Gift Certificates Could Be Used for
Deadly Purposes," roared Fox News in 2008), but this outrage is, as they say in the biz, an evergreen.
Here's your goddamn card, you monsters!
year at a holiday bazaar Planned Parenthood of the Great Northwest
offered certificates good for preventative services. The Catholic Anchor of Anchorage, Alaska portrayed them as "gift certificates which can be used toward paying for abortions." Disabused, the Anchor later retracted, but by then the story had spread to many less fastidious outlets ("Abortion Gift Certificates? Yes, they exist").
Other Planned Parenthood Christmas items pissed them off, too. "Planned
Parenthood promotes holiday abortion spirit with 'Choice on Earth' cards
criticized the PP card design: "You might want to consider having a
broken baby bird trampled on the ground and the happy parents
celebrating their freedom and choice above their dead child, which would
reflect your mission and purpose." And a Happy New Year!
celebrated this capitulation by the Satanic forces of what he called
"Toxic Tolerance": "If the liberal mayor of Philadelphia can be
pressured to change course, just about anyone can," he said, "The first
battle in the War on Christmas has been won by Judeo-Christian culture."
Also, a Rasmussen poll
found that "92% of all [U.S.] Adults celebrate Christmas in their
family" and "nearly two-thirds (65%) regard it as a religious holiday."
And "very few Americans are offended when someone wishes them a 'Merry
Christmas,' but most are more likely to say 'Happy Holidays' to someone
else rather than risk offending them."
That sounds sensible enough. Rightbloggers celebrated, as you might
expect, by complaining. "How does one celebrate the birth of Christ as a
of NewsBusters took the occasion to grouse that despite the clear
preference of his fellow countrymen, businesses continued to announce holiday sales rather than Christmas sales -- and that the press referred to holiday layoffs instead of the more festive and religiously-appropriate Christmas layoffs.
"Compared to past years," Blumer judged, "the press doesn't seem as
receptive to using the word 'Christmas' in stories about layoffs, but
has seemingly moved its Christmas emphasis to the perils of not
extending unemployment benefits ad infinitum. He explained: "a Google
News search done at about 2:30 p.m. on [Christmas "unemployment
benefits"] (typed exactly as indicated between brackets) comes back with
1,570 items, which strikes me as quite a few, especially in comparison
to the layoff numbers just noted." That lamestream media -- they hate
Christmas, but aren't above using it to make people feel sorry for the
jobless! No wonder Jesus is mad at them.
George Scaggs suggested boycotting Christmas-unfriendly businesses in the holiday spirit. Not sure who to shun? We've got you covered!
Cheer up, guy -- only 12 slapping days left
till the War on New Year's Eve.
The American Family Association offers a color-coded "Naughty or Nice" list. "Let Radio Shack, Office Depot and Staples know you are offended by their decision to purposely eliminate 'Christmas' from their advertising," they advise.
You can find more outrages at Defend Christmas,
which claims to believe "the media is woefully irresponsible in fanning
the flames of controversy," yet devotes most of its space to stories designed to do just that ("Santa Booted in Favor of Frosty in YMCA Political Correctness Transition").
There's also Grinch Alert,
which asks you to help them track down "businesses and organizations
that shut-out expressions of Christmas in their interactions with the
public." Among those ratted out so far: Sears and K-Mart ("Say Happy
holidays while selling Christmas trees"), and Mi Cocina in Southlake,
Texas ("Even though the restaurant has put up Christmas decorations,"
says the informant, "if you're an employee and answer the phone, we have
been told to say 'Happy Holidays'"). Others get kudos: "I flew Alaska
Airlines on my way back to Dallas after Thanksgiving. When they served
me my meal, I was really impressed to see a small card on my meal tray
that had a Bible Verse on it."
But however you and your family choose to celebrate the War on Christmas
-- whether by complaining, or complaining about complaining, or
complaining about complaining about complaining -- in the spirit of
toxic tolerance, we honor your choice. In the immortal words of Harvey Kurtzman, God help us, every one.