Daily Briefs: Hastily assembled Wednesday roundup



Closed captioning for my inner monologue: "Two of Kansas City's iconic fountains are coming off the grid -- the electric grid," says this story in The Kansas City Star. Midway through the wet and exciting water flume ride of that sentence, I tapped my chin and said to myself, "Off the grid??? What grid could they possibly be referring to? I seem to remember a two-dimensional grid in the 1982 Disney film Tron on which diode-suited competitors raced fanciful 'light cycles,' but I don't recall the presence of any computer-generated fountains there... I guess the Master Control Program didn't see the aesthetic utility in decorative landscaping accents, HAHAHAHA! Wait! What's this at the end of the clause? An emdash??? Curiouser and curiouser! Why, here's a direct article -- 'the.' How strange! Just when I thought I'd reached the conclusion of a sentence about a mysterious grid, it continues with an additional noun phrase! 'Electric.' But this is only the penultimate word, as I can see that it's followed by another word just as plainly as I can see this Jostens brand high school class cockring on my penis. What's this? 'Grid.' The. Electric. Grid! Well, alternate my current, Matt Campbell, how could I not have seen that coming?"

Anyway, the article continues discussing the installation of solar-powered water pumps on city fountains, but I'll spare you the rest of the exciting inner monologue I experienced while I was reading it. WHY NOT HAVE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE WITH READING?


EconoMarketCommerceWatchNewsTicker or something: I have literally no idea if the economy is improving or getting worse. This article says things are pretty bad, but I read the news every day, and there are so many contradictory arguments and statistics flying back and forth that I'd really rather just read something I already have a prefabricated and irrefutable opinion about, such as this sentence I'm writing now about how director Kevin Smith ruins everything in the world that's good by liking it. The biggest surprise about this interview in which he raves about Star Trek, a movie I used to think was great until five minutes ago, is that Smith actually gets through the whole thing without making a predictably profane and empty-headed reference to somebody fucking his wife. OH, WAIT:

"I'd watch [Chris Pine] do anything," Smith said with a laugh. "I'd watch that dude have sex with my wife at this point. He's such a good actor."

BARF. What an incredible journey it's been since the start of the previous paragraph, which was about the economy if you'll recall. Now I feel complete and total despair for the country and the tattered, stinky remains of our collective innocence. Goodbye, cruel world.

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