Sprint-Nextel: Edgy like Mama's Family

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The marketing team for Overland Park-based Sprint has a whole new attitude! By which I mean that they’re executing a carefully planned new digital consumer outreach strategy that somehow combines the Bratz-style bitchiness of Gawker.com with those toothless Coca-Cola slide shows that run before movies start (“Unscramble ARPIS HILTON! Name the movie in which Michael Keaton says, 'I’m Batman!'”)

At the Sprint Digital Lounge, where absolutely nobody you’ve met in your life buys digital music, they’re compiling bad playlists based on stupid celebrity gossip themes. According to the promo below that was sent out by Sprint (click here), you can see which songs just might make you think of Eddie Murphy “doing it” to Scary Spice.

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It's somehow so creepy and gross that I want to use an anatomically correct doll to show my counselor where Sprint touched me. Rather than confining their limp-dick celebusnark to the gated subdivision of their digital music store, the marketers are releasing it to the world via an advertising medium called “sending their shit directly to my in box.”

Delilah from Sprint Marketing sends the following:

Hi,

You’ve probably received these lists the past two weeks in our efforts to promote Sprint’s new Pop 10 list. First, Paris was put back in the slammer, and didn’t get to spend Father’s Day with her dad. Then, Bob Barker hung up his microphone, retiring from being the father of game show hosting. Now, we give you Eddie Murphy, recently confirmed as the father of Scary Spice’s daughter. Is anybody else thinking of “spice” names for the baby … Funny Spice, maybe?

While Eddie Murphy’s beloved character “Donkey” has delighted millions of children this summer in the blockbuster hit “Shrek 3” it appears that Murphy himself may be the one feeling like a donkey’s behind after recent paternity tests have confirmed that he is indeed the father of former “Scary” Spice Girl Mel B’s child. Though the two parents have not discussed child care details, we thought that Eddie could probably use a few tunes to listen to as he prepares for a little “Daddy Day Care” action of his own … http://www.sprint.com/pop10

Best,

Delilah

I’m assuming you skipped all that, in which case, you’ve passed the test and you win the chocolate factory, young man. Basically, the Sprint-Nextel Corporation would like you for now and all time to associate Harry Chapin’s "Cat's in the Cradle" and Sister Sledge’s "We Are Family" with smelly old Eddie Murphy taking a Cialis with a swallow of half-flat Miller Lite, sucking in his gut, sliding off his bikini briefs, farting and slipping into bed with Scary Spice. I’m downgrading my outlook on Sprint (Public, NYSE:S) from “DON’T BUY” to “MAY NOT LIVE NEAR PARKS OR SCHOOLS.” -- Chris Packham

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